For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
