Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
