So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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