a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
