My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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