i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
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