you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
