you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
