dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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