me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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