I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
