i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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