I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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