I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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