she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
