ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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