I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
