What a fucking waste of an outfit
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
