i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
