Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
