Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
