Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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