believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize