He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
