I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
