Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
