You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
