Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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