Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
