Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
