By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
