Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
