i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
