I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
