At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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