it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
