WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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