she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
