The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
