this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
