Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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