Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
