Buhtt sex?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
