Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
