By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
