is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I will die if light touches me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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