Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm sobbing to NWA
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
