I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
