So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
