I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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