I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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