Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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