Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
