I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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