my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
