Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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