Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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