My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Randomize
