I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
